How can something so heartbreaking be so filled with blessings? That’s the question I kept posing to myself over the course of the last week. My Grams, as we called her, my Mom’s Mom, passed away on Friday morning, August 5. I was deeply heartbroken by the fact that this icon in my life would no longer be here in physical form. Even though she lived thousands of miles away, my recent visits and phone calls have been burned in my memory and replayed more than once over the last seven days.
I was also deeply heartbroken by the fact that my Mom no longer had her Mom on this earth, and of course it made me think what it would be like to lose my own mother. I don’t even want to think about it. She has been such a constant in my life, in the lives of my own family and the family she raised. I shudder at the thought of losing her. Despite all of the sadness, a rush of abundant blessings unfolded over those days. As I write about it, I well up with tears and my heart feels like it’s going to burst. There were so many beautiful things that happened over the course of those days, and I will share the three that made a lasting impression on me.
First, Tom and I made the decision that Kenzie and I would attend the services. She is leaving for college in a week, and was so compassionate towards me about Grams’ death that I just felt that it was the right thing to do. I knew that she would be a comfort to me so I could be a comfort to my Mom. Having her there was a joy that I can’t express. To see her all grown up, interacting with my relatives, sobbing at the sight of her Great Grandma, standing at the podium and beautifully speaking the first reading at mass, and having her ask at every turn, “Are you OK?” was an incredible blessing and joy to me. To have your own daughter be your rock. It’s a turning point in the raising of children. It’s when you suddenly realize that you’ve done a good job, and that they’ll be good contributors in the world. I was so proud.
Second, I was asked to deliver the Eulogy at my Grams’ mass. While speaking in front of groups is something I do regularly, ensuring that I said just the right thing weighed heavily on me. After the sorrow of seeing my Grams in her open casket during the memorial the evening before, I felt that the mass, and my eulogy, would be a time to send her off and to comfort all those who remained here. Seeing her made it clear in my mind that this was just her shell while she was here on earth, and her beautiful soul was already with our Lord. This gave me amazing strength as I walked up to the podium to remind my relatives, and friends of Grams what an icon she was, and how we will each remember her in our own special ways. What an honor and blessing it was to be able to do that for her. I was humbled and felt so at peace.
Third, I felt that despite the reason for Kenzie and I being in Buffalo those three days, it was such a wonderful time for me to connect and reconnect with family members and friends of the family. The connection was an overpowering feeling, and I believe that it was because our dear Grams was smiling at us from above, looking at the family she had been matriarch to, and she was happy. On the way home to Denver, Kenzie and I sat next to a young man who we ended up talking to the entire flight. He runs a Christian-based company out of Colorado Springs that goes around to college campuses and poses questions, engages them in conversations, and provides uplifting messages about life and God. What a perfect person to be sitting next to! One of his traveling companions, towards the end of the flight, asked him how he got so lucky to sit by us . . . as he could see how engaged we were in our discussion. He responded by saying, “I’m not really sure, but I just feel so blessed right now.” So did I.
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